Intention
The idea of “connection” and “reconnection” has been in the forefront of my mind for much of the past few months — how we connect and to whom, how we maintain those ties, how we build new ones, how we reanimate old ones, how we connect with ourselves and with our community. All of that feels more challenging as we get older and our time becomes more fractured as a result of other responsibilities — how do we strike a balance?
I’ve been putting time into reconnecting with myself recently — digging out old projects, reigniting my interest in old hobbies and pursing my fascination with new ones. I’ve been on a weeks-long journey through my CD collection that has been equal parts euphoric, comforting, and unsettling. I listened to a mix CD I ripped with I was 24 and I swear I time-travelled to 2000. Remembering who I was is helping me anchor myself in who I am and where I’ve come from — I feel very secure in myself right now for the first time in too long, like I’m finally emerging from the fog that comes with parenting small children.
This clip from an interview with Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, and Sally Field crossed my feed this morning and I stopped to watch it twice. It hit me smack in my heart. Jane Fonda is a wise woman. Pursuing connection is not enough on its own, one must pursue those friendships with intention.
There are Folks in my spheres with whom I would like to build stronger, more meaningful connection. This is harder to do when we are older because it requires a certain vulnerability that we’ve gotten good at avoiding by our 40s. It also requires a level of tending and frequency that can be difficult to maintain — we have family responsibilities, or demanding careers, or volunteer commitments that take priority. There is a balance here that is hard to find.
I can think of many Folks over the past 20 years with whom I would have loved to build better friendships but I didn’t have the time or energy, and for some of that time I needed all of it to focus on myself. Keeping my head above water in my 30s was hard, and I struggled with depression, sadness, and anxiety. I felt I didn’t have anything to offer, so I didn’t try. I missed out and lost track of people who were important to me — connections I’m trying to rebuild now, a decade later.
No one tells you how much work it is to maintain strong friendships.
It is rewarding work, but that doesn’t diminish the effort and investment. My gift to myself this year is to make the time to work on these connections, and I’m warning you in advance that I will be pursuing them with intention.