Day 134 -- Time

2020 July 29

Wednesday

12:18 pm:

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted. Time runs alternately “too fast” and “slow as molasses”. If it weren’t for working on weekends, I wouldn’t know what day of the week it is today. As it is, my children ask me constantly.

July has flown by — a flurry of backyard harvests, working on my flower gardens, baking, and the endless grind of keeping the house running with everyone home. I miss the brief daily reprieve of most of them heading off to work and school — it gave me the quiet and space to get stuff done without it being undone 5 minutes later.

It feels melodramatic to say out loud, but I think the constant repetition and monotony are doing terrible things to my short term memory.

Our garden has been bountiful — I don’t think we will subscribe to a CSA next year. I haven’t been thrilled with the baskets we have been getting (though my husband has). The produce is lovely, and the variety is nice, but it feels a bit too hodge podge to use effectively when cooking for a crew the size of mine. Additionally, our garden is keeping us busy (we’ve already had to give away extras!), and I like the routine of heading out with my coffee in the morning to harvest our vegetables for the day.

We’ve learned a lot about the type of container gardening we are doing, and I’m keeping a running list of adjustments to make for next year as well as a list of seeds to order in January/February 2021. The kids have been absorbing so much information about the hows and whys of our plants without us even realizing the extent. A couple weeks ago my 5yr old spontaneously gave me a master class on pollinators and why the metal mesh I was using to deter squirrels was a poor choice to have around our strawberries. She has an incredible memory and has learned all the names of our plants.

Grazing in the garden is the easiest way to get her to eat her daily fruits and vegetables. Things she refuses indoors are gobbled up in the fresh air. I have high hopes of this extending to tomatoes, as we’re about to have a bumper crop.

My 3 year old has become my garden shadow. I cannot sneak outside without her somehow knowing where I am — morning, afternoon, evening, it doesn’t matter. She’s there, two steps behind me. She’s a sweet, funny soul, and I enjoy her company so much.

My flower gardens have also started to fill in. I’ve started a new one in front of the house — a mixture of plants bought on clearance and ones given in trade for the lilies I had to remove from the space. The back gardens continue to evolve as I spend time in the yard and get a “feel” for where they want to extend. It sounds cheesy, but it’s mostly a “letting go” of a solid plan and seeing where foot traffic, yard use, and logical extension of the existing beds converge. My 5 year old wants more “secret paths” and hiding places, so I’m working those in, too.

In non-garden news, and for anyone keeping score:

#Kid6 is allergic to peanuts, sesame, raw egg, cashews, AND (apparently) sunflower seeds.

We had hoped that Sunbutter would be a decent replacement for our younger kids (all peanut butter fans), and all of us loved the taste. #Kid 6 had it a few times in the past couple weeks as a folded sandwich with no issues at all. Sunflower was not flagged as a potential allergen for her. We have avoided the peanut butter replacements that look and smell like peanut butter, as #Kid6 refuses them due to similarity. I want her to continue trusting her instincts, so look/smell-alike options are not going to be part of our pantry.

Sunbutter ticked all the right boxes — tasty, all the kids liked it, doesn’t look or smell like peanut butter.

The only complaint, if I am honest, was the price — it’s not cheap.

Last night, she had three bites of a shared folded sandwich (the bread has been ruled out as the problem), and then distinctly pushed it away in refusal, the specific way she does when food bothers her.

Warning bells went off, but her face seemed fine (no hives near her mouth) and she seemed fine, so we spent the next 5-10 minutes shutting out the lights, saying goodnight to siblings, and gearing up for bed. By the time we made it to our room, her face looked a little “off” and splotchy, and she was rubbing her eyes. I took her downstairs to give her a dose of allergy medication, just in case, and by then small hives were appearing (similar to the cashew experience).

Over the next 30 minutes we had swollen eyes, hives on her face and upper body, and barfing, followed by another dose of medication. Her breathing was fine, so we observed to make sure the medication was taking effect and about 10 minutes after the 2nd dose, she was starting to behave like her wacky self again. I slept with the epi-pen next to the bed, and when I say “slept” what I really mean is I tossed and turned, waking up frequently through the night to check on the start of her blotchiness, listen to her breathing, and make sure she was okay.

I lay there awake wondering what she will show a reaction to next.

I called in to update her file with our allergist this morning, and he is bringing her back for more specific testing next week. I hope we have a better picture this time, but allergies in kids this little are tricky and prone to quicker change, so this will really just be another “snap shot” of what they are now rather than any comprehensive or final list of what to avoid.

I’m glad I already know this, to be honest, or I would find this all much more upsetting and stressful than I already do.

The other thing weighing heavily on my mind is school. I’m pretty much decided that my elementary aged kids are staying home until a vaccine is available or a comprehensive safety plan is in place in their school. I do not have faith our current government is capable of addressing the financial and infrastructure requirements in opening safely — decades of under-funded school infrastructure means significant work needs to be done to upgrade heating and cooling systems (and that’s just the start) province-wide, and they’ve not yet started hiring the educators required to meet safe distancing guidelines, or started renting additional spaces in school communities with which to maintain safe distancing.

The Government is not acting in good faith.
They have no intention of providing necessary additional funding.

They also lack cooperation from other departments require to ensure that parents have job security and wage replacement for time lost from work to stay home with sick kids. If parents are forced to choose financial survival when their kids are ill, we will continue to have sick kids sent to school (as has always happened in the past) because they are not free and able to act in the common good.

This is not something the Ministry of Education has any control over, and needs to come from other provincial departments as well as the Federal government.

Without a safe reopening of schools, we are setting ourselves up for failure.

I fear there will be another shutdown this Winter, and am planning accordingly. I’m apprehensive about the impact on me (selfishly) of having everyone continue being home all the time — I’m running on empty and most of the things I do to recharge are an impossibility for logistic, financial, or safety reasons right now. The one thing that I can do that helps right now is gardening, so I’ve been getting a lot done but it is physically difficult in the heat and humidity we have had this July.

This summer has not been restful.

I’m working all weekend, and my husband works all week (so I keep the kids busy and out of his hair for 5 days, and then go to work for the other 2) — I feel like I have little actual downtime when I’m not responsible for someone or something and can just shut my brain off and let go. It’s a small complaint in comparison with what others are contending, but it is having a very real impact on my mental health.

This pandemic is rewriting our collective sense of normal. I know I will find my “sea legs” for the required long-term changes, but right now — today — it all feels a bit insurmountable.