Day 6 - Comfort

2020 March 23

Monday

11:15pm:

Today the Ontario government announced the closure of all non-essential businesses and services.

Normally, I do my errands at night right before close, because the stores are mostly empty of shoppers and it’s very easy to maintain a prudent distance and practice safe shopping habits. I had been planning to do my one weekly “errands” trip tonight but was concerned this news would cause people to rush to the stores, so I went out to get a few non-food related items that were outstanding.

We have two birthdays in April and another in May. I’m not convinced things will be open for any of them and don’t want to be caught short.

The business park was a ghost town.

The stores were mostly empty, of both people and baking ingredients. I picked up a couple birthday gifts and some supplies to top up our reserve, and left.

It wasn’t until I was sitting back inside my truck in the parking lot that I realized I had been holding my breath. Stores are a great source of anxiety for me now. Not everyone understands how serious this is. I saw a few people out shopping together with their kids, when it would have been safer for just one adult to go alone. I saw a few groups of older adults (70+ yrs) standing around and chatting. It was disconcerting and left me uneasy.

I went back out after supper to do our small grocery run and pick up provisions for a self-isolating friend, so I sorted out supper for my family and headed out. The stores and shelves were eerily empty of both people and goods. Shopping took a bit longer because everyone was being careful to maintain the 2 metre distance with other customers. Different stores had different limits on items, and one prudently limited everything (high demand items or not) to 2 per person, and 1 for cleaning supplies and paper products. They were the best stocked as a result and I was finally able to find the yeast I couldn’t find at the other 3 stores I had visited earlier.

Apparently everyone is planning to learn how to make bread.

Flour was also out of stock everywhere. I’m glad I had the foresight to stock up on that well in advance of March Break. I wish I’d done the same with yeast, as we eat a lot of bread. I find a lot of comfort in baking and preparing food for my family — if food is a love language, it’s probably mine.

If food is a love language, it’s probably mine.

In normal times, I enjoy grocery shopping. It inspires me, it stimulates my creativity, and knowing what I make will nourish my family brings me deep satisfaction.

Now, however, it’s stressful, anxiety-inducing, and leaves me feeling trapped in low level panic. It also leaves me feeling deeply sad. Things are never going to be the same again, even after this crisis passes and we all try to get ourselves back to routines. There will be a new normal and I’m not sure what that will look like.

There will be a new normal.

As someone who is a self-professed “disaster planner” and likes to think months in advance and prepare for all the possibilities, this leaves me feeling disoriented and adrift. I don’t know how to plan for this beyond what I am doing right now. I don’t know how to prepare my family, and am making it up as I go along.

The saddest and most frustrating part of my trip tonight was when I was speaking to a cashier. She expressed concern that the deeply ingrained social habits of the older adults in our community were going to contribute to the spread. It’s their social routine to get out almost daily, meet friends for a coffee, and then go to the store. They are not staying home. They are not having others pick-up groceries. They are not even necessarily taking advantage of the “seniors hour” at opening, where the store is closed to anyone but them.

Routines are important.

As frustrating as it was to hear this, it also made me so sad. Routines are important. Routines are how you mark time. For older people, routines contribute to strong mental health, and disrupting them can lead to cognitive decline. Older people might not have family around who can check on them, or run errands — if they get sick, who will know?

My family is trying to carve a routine into our new day.

I’m trying to keep finding comfort in cooking.

My husband is doing a brief Costco stop today for a few things I couldn’t find (or need more than multiples of 2 — 6 kids makes a big difference in what you need), and then we’re hunkering down in our home for the next few weeks. I worried about what is coming and I’m concerned one of us adults might have been in contact with the virus and picked it up.

Weirdly, though, I’m looking forward to the family time, and the older kids are already making plans for a D&D campaign. We will make the best of this.