Hope

I like to do a "year in review" every January for the year that went before. This year I have been struggling with it. December is a hard month for me for many reasons -- busy, emotionally-charged, and a minefield of "mother guilt". My daily struggle with the Depression Devil sitting on my shoulder makes December an uphill battle at best. Many years I have crashed and burned under the stress.

This December was better than most, but I still feel as though I got through on sheer panic and adrenaline fumes. When January 1st rolled around, I wanted to give myself a few days to get my head into a better place before writing my recap. Oddly, even with time for reflection, I'm still rather ambivalent about 2013.

Early last year I found out, unexpectedly, that I was pregnant.

It took awhile to wrap my head around it -- the timing was terrible -- but I got to a place where I embraced the idea and was looking forward to going through it all one last time. As I was preparing to share our news around 11wks, I had a miscarriage.

2013 is the year I felt old.

The emotional kick-back knocked me on my ass. I was completely unprepared for the sadness that followed. There were days I thought depression would win -- putting one foot in front of the other and maintaining forward momentum seemed impossible. I felt as though everyone in the world around me was pregnant.

2013 is the year I felt unbearably and unshareably sad.

Irony being what it is, I found out in October -- around the due date for my first loss -- that I was pregnant again. That ended in another miscarriage. Life is full of doorways -- I was forced through the one in front of me.

2013 is the year I looked down a tunnel at my own mortality.

I faltered, but I didn't fall. I worry about my ability to cope -- concerned that I will spiral into a place I can't get myself back out of -- I made it through, battered but intact. I'm doing okay. I will count this as a battle won.

2013 is the year where I battled this every single day and did not let it win.

2013 was a year of strength for me.

2013 can kiss my ass.

On a different front, this last year was a fantastic year of growth for my little coffee roasting business. I look forward to implementing new ideas in 2014 and (hopefully) getting an expanded space in which to make my ideas a reality.

I look forward to my firstborn entering middle school and my lastborn entering kindergarten.

2014 will be a year of change.

2014 will be a year of hope.

2014 will be the first step over my line in the sand -- like forcing a narcissus, I will make good things happen and I will make them happen on my terms. I will dig that promise out of the snow even if I have to claw it out with my bare hands.

--

To the devil on my shoulder -- always whispering "you are the problem":

I am my own solution.

--

No resolutions for me, only resolve.